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Living with someone who has depression

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  1. #1

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    May 2011
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    Living with someone who has depression

    My wife has suffered from depression for years and refuses to seek any professional health. She often flies into a rage at things and I get the silent treatment so I never know what I did wrong but can only guess. This cold shoulder can last from 1 day to 1 week. I'm at a loss on what to do, I try speaking to her and reassuring her but to no avail. When she does speak, it's to bring up the past wrongs and hurtful things. My young son and I are on a knifes edge around her and I am worried about him since he has been showing signs of overreaction to the smallest things.

    I feel anger but I'm trying hard to stay calm, but feel a lot of guilt when the past is brought up. I feel I am going slowly insane and want to walk away sometimes.

    Sorry for the rambling post, but any suggestions on how I can persuade her to get treatment? And also any tips on how I can help her if she refuses treatment?

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  2. #2

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    Sorry to hear of the difficulties you and your spouse and child are going through. Don’t have any personal advice to offer, but while waiting for somebody better equipped to help you, found a few articles regarding the subject.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...uses-treatment
    https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5...-is-depressed/
    https://www.familylifeshare.com/depressed-spouse/

    My summary of the articles is as follows. (You should read for more detail.)
    a) Is she aware that she has the problem?
    b) If she has not, it may be helpful to gently point out why you think she has it.
    c) If she is aware that she is depressed but refuses professional way, try to find out in a non-judgmental way the reasons she is refusing to try to get outside assistance.
    d) Be receptive to your spouse’s feelings.
    e) Understand depression is episodic.
    f) Practice self-care!

    Incidentally, I watched “My SO has got depression”, a Japanese film, so it gave me a lot of sympathy for somebody trying to help their spouse as it requires a lot of dedication, even if it was only a movie. Really good effort trying to work things through with your spouse.

    Best of luck to you!


  3. #3

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    I suggest you get professional counselling for yourself and your child on how to cope with the impact of your spouse's condition on you and your child.


  4. #4

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    She refuses help, but you can let the help come to you. Speak to social welfare department and your GP/a psychiatrist. Your GP may be able to refer you to someone. The help will establish her diagnosis. It could be more/different than just depression.

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  5. #5

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    My Dad had severe depression in the last years of his life. It was effectively what killed him (he made choices under the influence of the depression which caused very bad health impacts). Depression kills. I think you probably need some tough love. Find her a good resource, then tell her you are leaving if she does not attend. And then leave if she does not attend. At some point people have to hit rock bottom before they realise they have a problem and can recover - you are currently preventing this. My Dad was a totally different person under depression. Impossible to deal with. We ended up having to section him. (that is, use the law to get him treated against his will). Good luck, Its really hard to deal with.


  6. #6

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    Thanks all for the suggestions. The links are a good resource, and getting help for myself and my son will be a good start on how to deal with this and coping mechanisms.

    Not sure that threatening to wall out is such a good idea given her fragile state of mind, although she has no signs of suicidal tendencies, it is a constant worry for me. I am finding it hard to sleep and work is suffering with the depressing and frigid atmosphere at home.

    Thanks again all

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  7. #7

    No matter what you say she won't listen.

    Do you know her best friend ? I suggest you speak to her best friend about it privately. May be she tells her .

    Also, get counselling for yourself and your son and say that she has to come along. She doesn't have to talk. She just has to listen to and your son. Then she might come round to it.


    What age is she ? Maybe she has early peri-menopause and her hormones are all over the place. Early menopause can hit in the thirties and forties.

    Threatening to leave will only make it worse.

    Take yourself and your son to counselling, and then just tell her that the counselor wants to see you all as a family unit. She doesn't need to talk. Tell her to do it for her child.
    You say you want to walk away, but then you leave your son with her ? so now the poor kid will see you"abandoning " him to deal with the situation. Take a deep breath, it is tough, but you are strong, and you can do it. It's a sacrifice but it is for your son.

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  8. #8

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  9. #9

    Yep, you need to keep a close eye on her, the last thing you wanna do is leave her to her own devices from what you've described

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  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by SonicYouth1:
    Yep, you need to keep a close eye on her, the last thing you wanna do is leave her to her own devices from what you've described
    Studies have shown that depression does increase risk of suicide. There is a correlation there. Although it has to be made clear that not every depression case leads to suicide, the majority of depression cases do not lead to such an extreme outcome. But the point is that the risk of that outcome definitely increase with depression.

    Another thing to note is that symptoms that appear to be depression may in fact be something else, bipolar disorder, attention deficit disorder and anxiety disorder do share similarities with depression. In fact, those underlying conditions may also trigger depression (someone can suffer from more than one mental disorder). Only a professional psychiatrist can determine that.

    OP, try to get through to your wife that counseling and other treatment is not just for her, but her family, make her see that it's also for her son. If she loves and care for him, she will understand.

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