now, I was not joking.
You might want to ask around whether any agent thinks he can achieve it.
There is one in the China Resources Bldg, Sunrise.
under chinavisa.com. They are the closest ( measured in distance) to the source, and thus to the people who issue the visa. They also used to run to Shenzhen to get longer term multiple entry visas from there though I think that has ceased. But perhaps they still can get you a visa in Shenzhen good for whole China, except tea bed....
However, your real problem seems to be the place of birth, not the condition of your passport.