Oh Heath, you old cad! Are you in town already?
I've nearly burst my breeches awaiting your arrival! Ever since Jevington brought me the missive saying that you were to grace our Oriental entrepot with your manly presence, I've been impatiently counting the days. Rarely has the house been in such an uproar! Auntie Gussie has been ordering fine linen suspenders by the basket, and young Sally has even choreographed a dance to celebrate your arrival! No doubt she will be romping merrily when you come!
I do beg that you send your card over immediately upon settling in, as I’m anxious to reflect on some of our past adventures. For instance, do you remember how you buggered young Filchis-Bottomsley under his bed in the Upper Dorm? Yes, by leaving his insulin where it would get crushed you ensured a pretty slow and painful death! Lucky that Uncle Willie was with the Home Office at the time, really.
And it wasn't enough for you to get Sophie Whiffington-Mingeworth confined to the sanitarium, was it? I heard she's still pining for dear sweet "Heathy" even in her sleep. You must have driven her pretty hard, I’ll say! The old E-Type still gets around the estate in nine and a half hours, I take it? After that escapade, one would have thought you’d give Wilma Rodgers-Foxily a miss. But then again, I suppose one’s nieces are always lolly-gagging around the house, aren’t they?
Well, do come up to the peak and we’ll resume some of our old games. And good news — fox hunting’s perfectly legal in Hongkers. Of course, we have to use locals instead of foxes, and cars instead of horses, but Justice Blackhart-Biggut never fails to smooth away one’s indiscretions. We can go to Sotheby’s, and then indulge in a bit of Bully Thy Servant. It’s especially good here, as the servants are literally disposable. If we go a bit too far, I’ll just have Jevington throw the bodies off the boat. Plenty of sharks in the tropics, you see!
It won’t be long before I have you in my hands, will it? And I’ll give you a jolly good licking, you old blackguard! I’ve been practising my croquet, you see, and now I’m rather good.
Right, chum, time to say farewell.
Ernest Ainell-Featherington
Last edited by Sigga; 26-11-2008 at 03:23 PM.
sigga is heath
heath is sigga
frightening really
>> Oh Heath, you old cad! Are you in town already?
CLASSIC!!!!
Thank you. I needed a good laugh today!
Sigga, that was amazing. I almost cracked a rib trying to stifle my laughter (no guffawing at work).
Glad to hear it! I was aiming for PG Wodehouse-meets-Blackadder (and then gives him a good rogering in the pantry).