Ex-husband re-enters the picture after 20 years

[MABinPengChau]

So, not a HK issue but my ex-husband just contacted my daughter after being out of her life since age 10 (we separated when she was 9 months old). She is nearly 30 now.

I would be thrilled if they could get together, they are very similar in looks, personality, habits, everything.

Neither he nor I remarried- this is his only child as far as I know (he worked with a friend of mine up to 2008 so I would hear about him occasionally).

He is not in contact with his family and didn't go to his parents' funerals. People contacted my daughter trying to get in touch with her father, which is how she knows he is not in contact with his family.

It's a sad situation, he is a loner, she said he sounded depressed, he is 65.


I want to encourage them to get together but don't want to her to get hurt again. I offered to pay for air tickets and hotel if she wants to travel to where he lives. I hope that wasn't meddling too much.

Any suggestions? According to my mother, who talked to her soon after he called her (at her job) said she was crying while talking to him and she is not one who cries easily. She seems happy about it but she is a very private person and guarded with her emotions (as is her father).

I guess just wait and see- he gave her his phone number but couldn't agree on a follow-up phone call. He told her the state he lives in but no address...

Hard to concentrate on work, this is just such a big surprise...

[HK_Katherine]

She's 30. She's a big girl who can make up her own mind. All she needs from you is to know that however she decides to play it, you've got her back.

[jimbo]

Her life her decision.
Just be there in case it goes bad but don’t do the I warned you routine etc.

[MABinPengChau]

Oh no, none of this is her fault and her father is just, well, kind of a confused loner, always has been. I just think that now he's retired he's feeling pretty lonely and is reaching out. She did tell him his family wanted to see him, that everybody loves him, etc. It's a pretty forgiving group so there won't be any blaming.

Anyway, just as well I am far, far away from the US, no way I will be in the way. At the time he broke off contact, I had gone back to working at the US Patent Office and he still worked there so was not thrilled about my return (even though it's many thousands of employees and we never saw each other). So it may have been a factor, I don't know but it was completely his choice to stop seeing her, I always made sure she was available (and even gave him money to take her to the movies, dinner, etc.).

[answerer]

Being ultra-paranoid, you may wish to consider helping to verify that he is who he says he is. Unfortunately, far too many stories of scams these days!

[MABinPengChau]

Well, he didn't ask for money and she is smart enough not to send any. She would recognize him if she meets him in person. He also seemed to know enough details about her life (she has no Facebook and such and is a very private person, hard to get info on her). Yeah, it's creepy to think that people are like that...

[dumbdonkey]

never too late

[MABinPengChau]

No, it isn't and I told her she was very kind to be letting him back in after all these years. I think they would really have a great relationship they are SO much alike...so I'm very happy, I had always hoped he would come around. I think one thing that kept him away was that he thought he would get hit for university tuition (he is pretty cheap) as our settlement agreement specified we would share those costs- but I never asked for any tuition help and she went to private school from US 7th grade onward.

Whatever, she seems willing to let it all pass and his family is eager to regain contact with him (he has had two brother die in the past few years, didn't go to their funerals either).

I think about "Scrooge" at the end of a Christmas Carol, never too late to do the right thing...and Bob Cratchitt didn't hold it against him either (or his nephew...).

[GweiloBrit92]

I offered to pay for air tickets and hotel if she wants to travel to where he lives. I hope that wasn't meddling too much

If he is that keen to make contact then perhaps HE should make the effort to visit her/ you? After so long you shouldn't have to spend a cent!

[MABinPengChau]

Yes, but he won't, he is pretty cheap. So cheap that I used to give him the money to do things with her when he visited her (this is a guy earning over 100k per year US and paying 250 a month child support but...yeah).

And he would procrastinate. For another 20 years.

She can go to visit her grandmother at Christmas and then see him (neighboring states). My mother is always happy to see her.