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Wife & helper dynamic

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  1. #21

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    May 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by gch555
    I'd be asking myself this as well.

    It also sounds like the employer/employee relationship has been blurred. The employers need to treat the DH the same way such that the DH doesn't consider talking to one individually like this. At the end of the day the DH isn't a family member or an equal, but an employee.

    Yes there's a double standard with the piano lessons, which should be addressed, but in private with your wife. The DH should not be involved in such discussions. She's raised her concerns, which is already a stretch, and that's as far as her involvement should be. In a lot of families, the DH's opinion isn't even welcome so to a lot of people she's already crossed a line.

    Beyond this issue you should reconsider your communication with your DH. You can't afford your DH to be playing favourites between you and your wife because there's always the risk of manipulation or causing a rift in your marriage. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened. Before anyone has a go at me for saying this, let me say it a different way - if you had 2 bosses at work, one treating you better/differently than the other, wouldn't you prefer to talk to the easier one? Of course you would.
    Why shouldn't the helper be able to express an opinion? Poor management if an employee is not allowed to do that.
    hongkong7 likes this.

  2. #22

    Join Date
    Dec 2002
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    Hong Kong
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    OMG! How did I miss this thread?!

    The Consulate has sent out numerous advisories to FDH. They also suggested employers give helpers an alternate day off to avoid crowds. However, if she's going to a boarding house I guess it doesn't matter which day she takes her holiday.

    Our helper didn't feel comfortable going out for 2 weeks so I took her on a hike with the dog. Knew if I left her home she would keep busy and start cleaning. Suggested she go out on Saturday but she didn't want to. This past Sunday, she had a couple of errands to run and came back straight away. She said the police were out enforcing the groups of 4 rule in Tamar Park.


    As a wife, I would be annoyed with helper that she texted you directly. You both need to sit down and have a talk with her.

    She probably does have cabin fever. Best to come up with a solution that works for everyone.


  3. #23

    Join Date
    Jan 2015
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    88
    Quote Originally Posted by hullexile
    Why shouldn't the helper be able to express an opinion? Poor management if an employee is not allowed to do that.
    I didn't say she shouldn't, I said "in a lot of families....".

    If we do the employer/employee comparison, each company is different. An employee's opinion is welcome in a lot of scenarios but certainly not all. It's up to the 'employer' to ensure the 'employee' knows when is and isn't appropriate, as well as how the opinion is communicated. I'm sure my boss doesn't care what my opinion is on, say, use of company funds is because it's not part of my job, but he may want to know how I feel about product X we're trying to sell.

    Like a lot of analogies though, they only go so far before they are no longer comparable, so perhaps it's best to remember the salient point - that it's a business relationship, not a familial relationship between DH and the famliy and although the line is somewhat blurred because of domestic responsibilities, the communication method should be easily understood, fair, identical between husband/wife and not waver over time as you spend more years together.

  4. #24

    Join Date
    Jun 2016
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    1,183

    You dont want to create a situation where the helper thinks she can someohow establsh a hierarchy of authority i.e. you vetoing your wife's requests of her. I think you need to reaffirm what ohers have said about her reporting to the both of you. Your decisions even if communicared by one are unanimous.


  5. #25

    Join Date
    Jul 2016
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    7

    I agree with the others that she should not think that by messaging you she can get around the wife. The side dialogue is absolutely unnecessary. Having lived in HK for awhile now and having experience with domestic helpers, I know that some of them are also very experienced and can be cunning in some ways as they know how to get around the system or find loopholes even with all your house rules. I would advise you to work with the wife to ensure that you guys are always on the same page so she doesn't think she can test both your authority...

    With that said, you can always tell her "You have the right to go out on your day off, but I also have the right to terminate your contract" Yes, this a threat and should only be used if you are willing to go the distance and bear the fallout. I personally would be worried if she brings back the virus and end up infecting the entire home after you have done the hard work and precautions to protect your family. Is it a risk worth taking only you would know. Good luck....


  6. #26

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    May 2006
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    Pampanga, Philippines
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    Quote Originally Posted by skung
    I agree with the others that she should not think that by messaging you she can get around the wife. The side dialogue is absolutely unnecessary. Having lived in HK for awhile now and having experience with domestic helpers, I know that some of them are also very experienced and can be cunning in some ways as they know how to get around the system or find loopholes even with all your house rules. I would advise you to work with the wife to ensure that you guys are always on the same page so she doesn't think she can test both your authority...

    With that said, you can always tell her "You have the right to go out on your day off, but I also have the right to terminate your contract" Yes, this a threat and should only be used if you are willing to go the distance and bear the fallout. I personally would be worried if she brings back the virus and end up infecting the entire home after you have done the hard work and precautions to protect your family. Is it a risk worth taking only you would know. Good luck....
    They have done the hard work and precautions to protect their family? By inviting in a completely non-essential piano teacher who has visited several other families and houses. It seems to me it is the helper who is at risk from an idiotic decision (sorry OP but it is) which is putting her at risk. This is probably a sign that they do not take correct protective measures elsewhere.
    hongkong7 likes this.

  7. #27

    Join Date
    Jul 2016
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    7

    Agree with you that should've not happened either...That a whole other issue with the wife not understanding the situation.


  8. #28

    Join Date
    Mar 2015
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    1,324

    Some people use their phones and messaging this way. If she doesn't say it face-to-face, ignore.


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