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Wife & helper dynamic

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  1. #1

    Join Date
    Nov 2005
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    180

    Wife & helper dynamic

    We've employed our helper for a few years. She has her faults, but we've renewed her since she's good at housework and our kids are used to her.

    Recently we've been concerned about the coronavirus outbreak and asked her to be careful on Sundays. She told us that she meets friends at a boarding house. I think she meant to suggest that she isn't hanging around Central, but a bunch of people confined in a small space sounds even worse. Last week, my wife mentioned that the Philippine Consulate is advising domestic helpers to stay home on their day off and asked her to consider resting at home. She did and we gave her some extra money as a gesture.

    The other day, I learned that my kid's piano teacher had come over after a hiatus since the outbreak started. Had a small argument with the wife about the wisdom of resuming lessons and why it hadn't been discussed. Late at night, the helper sent me a string of dramatic text messages, on one hand complaining that my wife didn't allow her out (not quite true), but also saying she was worried the kids might get the virus from the piano teacher's visit (why only the kids?). What do you think her angle is with this side communication? Does she think I'm going to keep it from my wife?


  2. #2

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
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    20,089

    She is probably worried, stressed and fed up - like many of us during these testing times. Small resentments and inconsistencies can be amplified at times like this.

    She probably has a good point - piano lessons don't seem essential at this time and having a teacher going round many students houses and sitting close to them seems like a pretty poor idea to me.

    However, it sounds like your helper has expressed her worries and concerns poorly and I agree you can't take sides in any dispute. I'd talk to your wife about it and hopefully both of you can act with compassion in these difficult times.

    kimwy66, markranson, jimbo and 2 others like this.

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Feb 2005
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    your mrs gave her a command to stay in on her day off which she didnt like, now she is coming to you and hoping you will over ride that command lol

    its like a kid who knows the game, mummy said no so lets go ask daddy and hope he says yes. my kid is n expert at this.

    GentleGeorge, shri and hongkong7 like this.

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Feb 2018
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    37

    I agree with thebrit to show compassion and understanding.

    The helper has pointed out a contradiction in your wife's behaviour and seems to think you would be sympathetic to her side. Maybe she thinks you will take this up with your wife. Maybe she doesn't think you and your wife are a team because she overheard your argument.
    And don't forget that she is a human being in need of close contact with her own friends. She is (rightly) emotional about this and her feelings are probably being additionally fuelled by her friends feelings and remarks.

    It is not easy on husband, wife or helper having 2 women in a household. Nor is it easy for a helper away from her friends and family for years. Her Sunday friends are important to her emotional well-being.

    I disagree with the notion of not taking sides in this 'dispute'. You have a wife so you are a team. You are on the same side whether you agree with your wife or not. Don't mess around with that if you value your relationship.

    Further, if you dont show your wife the texts from the helper, then your wife - when she checks your phone and finds them (and she will) - will draw her own conclusions. Not a good scenario. It is messy either way, but messier if you don't show your wife what the helper wrote.

    After you survive that argument, you can then discuss with your wife how best to proceed in your communications with your helper.


  5. #5

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    Feb 2017
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    It's quite brazen for her to think of having a secret dialogue.

    JAherbert likes this.

  6. #6

    Join Date
    Jul 2012
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    Would your boss at work demand that you stay at the office during your days off? Why not?

    JAherbert and hongkong7 like this.

  7. #7

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    May 2006
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    Pampanga, Philippines
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    21,715
    Quote Originally Posted by hksomewhere:
    It's quite brazen for her to think of having a secret dialogue.
    Yes but the situation for the helper is terrible and the piano teacher insanity just makes it worse. Having said that the OP needs to support his wife (even though she is wrong )
    hongkong7 and markranson like this.

  8. #8

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    Jul 2012
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    1,395

    Piano lessons online. That's what we do.


  9. #9

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    Apr 2020
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    14

    She is your slave so you should have her flogged for disobeying your orders.


  10. #10

    Join Date
    May 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by donkeywonkey:
    She is your slave so you should have her flogged for disobeying your orders.
    Yes agreed, that is how to treat the wife.

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