Here's a 14 year old message from Foxmulder - I wonder where he is now?
foxmulder 14 yrs ago
As some of your contributors have noted, a woman's loss of interest in sex following childbirth is a very common problem. This should not come as a surprise to men, but, all too often, it does.
What some of us fail to understand is that all this stuff about hearts and flowers, boy-meets-girl, sex love and marriage is all, ultimately, about one thing: ensuring the survival of the species. This is why sex is so incredibly enjoyable. Is there such a thing as a bad orgasm? No. Why? It Nature makes it thus.
What happens when we fall "in love". As one of your contributors noted, scientists have identified a chemical which reacts in the brain to cause us to feel "in love". In reality, we are simply "in lust". This enables us to ignore all of those annoying habits about a partner which we, subsequently, might find to be intolerable. As they say -- "Love is Blind".
Nature encourages us to have sex as much as possible -- all the better to reproduce.
Women often complain that all men think about the sex. Well, that might be true, but it's not something for which we can be blamed -- we are simply wired that way. Infant mortality, these days, is not high but, but this has only been the case in very recent history - and then only in "advanced" societies. Nature encourages men to spread their seed as much as possible - to father as many children as possible knowing that, at least in the past, only a proportion of them would survive to grow up and look after us in our old age. And then do their bit to ensure the survival of the species.
Nature also ensures that many women would feel a total lack of fulfillment if they don't have a child. How many of us know women in their early 30s whose clock is ticking so loudly they can hear nothing else?
Again -- this is Nature at play: nature makes women desperate to have babies and men desperate to have sex.
And therein lies the problem -- because, in some cases, when a woman has her baby, she loses interest in sex because she has what she wants.
Of course, this comes as something of a shock to the man. Once the "apple of his woman's eye" and the centre of her attention, he now feels relegated to second position. Along comes the baby in whom the woman has an all-consuming interest (often, obsession) and with whom she has a connection which, in many cases, is far stronger and deeper than any which she has had with her man.
And, of course, she has had to carry this little bundle around with her for nine months and go through the trauma of giving birth. So, from a physical point of view, she is not going to want to rush back into sex until she has stabilised both physically. Then there is the emotional aspect -- postnatal depression is very common and often not recognized either by the sufferer or her partner.
Then there is the tiredness. Kids are very hard work. She can hardly be expected to attack sex with the same gusto as previously.
But this is something men find difficult to understand: pre-baby, the sex was probably great. Post-baby, it isn't.
Is this something they teach in prenatal classes these days? The fundamental, bewildering and quite unexpected change in the relationship?
Once man and wife were a couple. Now they are parents. The focus changes. That is the boy-meets-girl deal. You meet, you couple, you reproduce, you rear the children. Repeat the process ad infinitum.
So, from a woman's perspective, she has a child/children for whom she feels particularly responsible. They must come first. If she has energy left for her husband, then all well and good.
Men should understand this.
Equally so, however, a woman should understand how a man feels. Hitherto having been the centre of his woman's world, he no longer is. He might feel that he has fulfilled his purpose and is there simply to "bring home the bacon" mow the lawn, take out the rubbish, fix the video -- or whatever.
It is no less of an emotional shock to the man than it is to the woman.
I think it is true when they say that women need to feel loved to want sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved.
So, when baby turns up and, after (in many cases) many months of no sex, the man is looking forward to the restoration of sexual activity.
Of course most men could (or should) accept that there has to be physical recovery before a woman wants to have sex again. So far, so good. What is difficult for a man to understand, however, is the long-term loss of libido which often follows childbirth. He might sympathise with what the woman has gone through but he can never empathise. He may be quite happy to wait for the woman's body to recover but he is bound to feel that "there comes a time"...
A time when a woman should be happy to start having sex again.
And, if that time doesn't come, he will feel an intense sense of rejection.
If his libido is as rampant as before, but his wife has totally, or partially, lost interest in sex, this is a very hard pill for the man to swallow.
He wants things as they were before. Whether this is realistic is another matter.
So, where the sex life has deteriorated substantially, this is bound to have an impact upon the relationship. A man is bound to feel that he is now, well and truly, relegated to second position.
Sadly, in many cases, when the sex goes from a marriage, the rest soon follows.
What to do about this? Well, both parties must understand that was "the deal". The man should try and understand what a woman has to go through, both physically and emotionally when having a baby.
The woman should understand a man's deep sense of rejection when she does not wish to have sex with him after childbirth.
She should also understand the potential consequences of this situation continuing because, as we all know, if a man cannot get sex at home, he might look elsewhere.
Some would say that the woman might wish do at least something in order to release his sexual tension rather than simply say "I don't feel like it"
But he must understand that it will take time, love and understanding for a woman to return to her pre-birth sexual appetite.