Have a joke or something of no relevance to anyone, to share?

[shri]

Use the sandbox to play .. be nice, be fair and don't steal someone elses toy.

[sweetpea]

A ghost walked(floated?)into a bar...

what did the bartender say to him?

[Jlite]

A GUY goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! Gimme another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"

"I haven't got any money!"

[sweetpea]

Good one, Jlite!

But not really the answer I have in mind.
Anyone else? ....
This is so much fun

[Max]

A long one, ...but a good one...

__________________________________________________ ___________
If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese.

So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
__________________________________________________ _______________

[Jlite]

Heh Heh, Sorry sweetpea, what did the bartender say to him/her?


Check out this one........................

A magician gets a job on board the Titanic.


The first night comes around and he starts his first performance. On a perch in the corner of the stage sits the captain’s parrot who loves to sit there and watch the shows.



The magician performs his fist trick and the parrot squawks, “It’s up his sleeve!” ruining the trick.

The magician tries another trick and again the parrot squawks “It’s in his pocket!”, this carries on for every trick that the magician performs and eventually ruins his show..



The next night the magician starts another different performance with new tricks but again no matter what trick the magician tries to perform the captain’s parrot always ruins it.



The next night whilst the magician is carrying out his performance the ship strikes the iceberg and sinks into the water. The magician manages to scramble into an empty lifeboat and is joined minutes later by the captain’s parrot.



For days they are just floating in the lifeboat and no matter how much the magician tries to talk to the parrot it just won’t talk to him. Then after several days the parrot finally squawks and says “Alright, what have you done with the ship?”

[sweetpea]

Okay, here it is...

The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here!"

[Jlite]

hahahaha, good one sweetpea.

NNNNNNNNext....................

DAVE works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"
says Dave. "He's on my basketball team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says: "Hi, Davey. Want your usual table dance, Big Boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
four-letter word in the book. The cabby turns his head and says: "Jeez,
Dave, you picked up a real bitch tonight.":rofl:

[Goose]

A horse trots into a bar. The barman looks up and says "what's with the long face ?"
A meatpie walks into a bar. "Sorry mate" says the barman, "We don't serve food here"

[Max]

THE PHARMACIST

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night.

"We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

:rofl: