View Poll Results: How large is the flat you live in (in gross sq. ft)?

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  • 1501-1600

    8 6.35%
  • 1401-1500

    5 3.97%
  • 1301-1400

    4 3.17%
  • 1201-1300

    6 4.76%
  • 1101-1200

    7 5.56%
  • 1001-1100

    4 3.17%
  • 901-1000

    10 7.94%
  • 801-900

    4 3.17%
  • 701-800

    10 7.94%
  • 601-700

    19 15.08%
  • 501-600

    15 11.90%
  • 401-500

    8 6.35%
  • 301-400

    3 2.38%
  • Less than 300

    4 3.17%
  • More than 1600

    19 15.08%
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Poll: How large is your flat (gross sq. ft)?

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  1. #91

    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Gold Coast Marina
    Posts
    17,934

    I think a trip where you have a hotel room and they have a hotel room gives you many more "outs" than them living in your place. Anyway - just a suggestion if the worst comes to pass. It does sound like you have a culture issue here (one of your husbands family's culture vs your own!). You have to be true to yourself. You are NOT going to build up a good relationship with these folks if all you are thinking when you are with them is "get them outta here!". You have to be honest about this with your husband first, and then them. Perhaps writing it all down might help. Explain your background. Explain how you already feel claustrophobic in your own home (exaggerate if necessary!) and that more people in it would be really hard for you. Put it in terms that explain "I would feel trapped"; "I would not like it" rather than "you are causing a problem" - so that they understand this is about YOUR feelings not anything about them.

    Good luck anyway. I have 2000 sq ft but I still hate having my MIL to stay! Even my own family, when I visit UK, I NEVER stay for more than 3 days. First day is great to see them. Second day is catching up. Third day is planning to leave. Never over-stay - it destroys relationships!


  2. #92

    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    904

    So why do you want to accommodate your mother in law. It's your flat, and it's your husband (you are the wife, right?). If they don't like it, they can go fishing. Tell them your flat is too small and they can't stay there. If they don't want to stay in the hotel, they don't need to come. Period. Be nice to them, but don't forget who is in charge (you!).


  3. #93

    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Posts
    6,531

    I'll consider a trip, MovingIn07... they're pretty well-travelled but perhaps they would like going somewhere in Asia, if only for a couple of days. It is cultural issues to a large extent. I have been very honest with him and explained these issues I have (they're my issues, not his family's). He's very bad at communicating these things nicely to them or even being forthright with them, so they take it and run with it and get very upset by it all.

    cheepo: I agree... When he reported his dad's complaining when he told him he'd have to stay at a hotel: oh it's too expensive, it'll be too far away, I won't get to see you, I'll have to commute a half an hour, etc. etc. I asked my partner why he didn't reassure him that's not the case, that we would make him as comfortable as possible, that we would get a place very close and that's that.

    At the end of the day, too, my partner wouldn't really suffer financially by paying for a hotel and even they know that. They just have different priorities with money, I guess.
    They can go fishing, but it doesn't really help build a good relationship between all of us, does it? :/


  4. #94

    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Posts
    6,531

    Shall I mention that they are Jewish? Does that explain it?

    MovingIn07 and cheepo like this.

  5. #95

    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Gold Coast Marina
    Posts
    17,934
    Quote Originally Posted by Elegiaque:
    Shall I mention that they are Jewish? Does that explain it?
    I can fully understand that some people would find it easy to accept sleeping on the floor but find it really hard to accept someone else paying for a hotel. Very easy. Not necessarily Jewish, but "money" has as many, if not more, cultural implications than space!

    I am also really familiar with the "husband does not explain it very well" syndrome. My husband reverts to boyhood around his relatives and for a reasonably articulate, intelligent chap, becomes completely incapable of managing these things rationally!

    I think you will just have to take charge yourself. I found my MIL much easier to deal with once I went straight to her, rather than through the hubby. Rather than blaming hubby for explaining stuff badly, do the explaining yourself!

    Re the money aspect, perhaps you can analyse it financially and make the point to your PIL that you undertook an analysis of the cost of a flat with a spare room, vs the option of one with no spare room but "hiring one" (ie a hotel) when needed. Perhaps you can show that financially you are better off with the "hiring a spare room" for 2 weeks compared with renting one for 12 months. That should be pretty easy to show given HK rental costs. That way you might be able to convince them that staying in a hotel at your expense saves you money! (in other words, find a way to have the debate on terms they might understand).

    Anyway - good luck. You probably also need to approach them to express how much you are keen to get to know them better and are looking forward to their trip to HK, and how you want it to go really well with no barriers forming a good relationship etc etc. That might also help to oil the wheels. Providing you can seem at least passably genuine in the views!

  6. #96

    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Posts
    6,531
    Quote Originally Posted by MovingIn07:
    I can fully understand that some people would find it easy to accept sleeping on the floor but find it really hard to accept someone else paying for a hotel. Very easy. Not necessarily Jewish, but "money" has as many, if not more, cultural implications than space!

    I am also really familiar with the "husband does not explain it very well" syndrome. My husband reverts to boyhood around his relatives and for a reasonably articulate, intelligent chap, becomes completely incapable of managing these things rationally!

    I think you will just have to take charge yourself. I found my MIL much easier to deal with once I went straight to her, rather than through the hubby. Rather than blaming hubby for explaining stuff badly, do the explaining yourself!

    Re the money aspect, perhaps you can analyse it financially and make the point to your PIL that you undertook an analysis of the cost of a flat with a spare room, vs the option of one with no spare room but "hiring one" (ie a hotel) when needed. Perhaps you can show that financially you are better off with the "hiring a spare room" for 2 weeks compared with renting one for 12 months. That should be pretty easy to show given HK rental costs. That way you might be able to convince them that staying in a hotel at your expense saves you money! (in other words, find a way to have the debate on terms they might understand).

    Anyway - good luck. You probably also need to approach them to express how much you are keen to get to know them better and are looking forward to their trip to HK, and how you want it to go really well with no barriers forming a good relationship etc etc. That might also help to oil the wheels. Providing you can seem at least passably genuine in the views!
    Yes, yes! Like when the MIL wanted to cook a big dinner in our apartment for the cousin/brother, I said why not take them out for dinner (didn't want her cooking in our flat)! Let it be our birthday treat to her! No, no, no - too expensive! :P
    Yes, I think you're right about dealing with them directly as much as possible. And being stern with them and not letting them think they can ruin our relationship if they want. At the moment this is difficult, but when they do eventually visit, I can explain this to them genuinely in person. I am afraid they won't accept it and still think I'm evil, but I can only do so much if they don't accept my genuine interest in making things work. It's difficult for me, too, and I think if our gender were reversed, shy or quiet behavior (avoidism) would be much more accepted. :/
    That is a good idea for explaining it to them about the spare room. I've often wished these large complexes would have a spare room that you could rent out for a few days/weeks. But I will have to explain it to them like that with full awareness that they never wanted a spare bedroom -- and would have been happy on the couch. A friend of mine has couch surfing guests, sometimes 2 at a time, and has a smaller flat than me!
    Thanks for your help and encouraging words. I really appreciate it!
    MovingIn07 likes this.

  7. #97

    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Gold Coast Marina
    Posts
    17,934

    LOL - I did think that - but translate that into "lounge large enough for a sofabed to be deployed" if "spare room" doesn't work!


  8. #98

    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Sai Kung
    Posts
    5,854

    The categories include/exclude rooftop/backyard?

    pb1234 likes this.

  9. #99

    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    512

    2000 sq ft but then I live in the UK. One reason why returning to HK would be hard. Funny how you get to think that a shoebox is normal.

    TheBrit likes this.

  10. #100

    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    13,099
    Quote Originally Posted by dipstick:
    Funny how you get to think that a shoebox is normal.
    What makes you think shoebox is not normal?

    I searched but couldnt find any definitive statistics on world wide average living sizes but I would bet that 2000 is not going to be the average...

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