Poll: How large is your flat (gross sq. ft)?

Elegiaque · 22-07-2013, 01:18 PM

Originally Posted by MovingIn07:

If they won't move into a hotel, I suggest you do! (seriously). This could be an utter disaster. I consider less than 400sq ft barely sufficient for a couple let alone an extended family. You DO NOT have room. Period. Just say so! Where on earth are they going to sleep? Are they chinese or from some other country which often lives in small places? If so, this might be why. If they are from UK/Australia/USA or somewhere with sensible sized accomodation, you might want to let them know what 400sq ft means ("the whole flat would fit into your kitchen" for example, might do the trick!).

If they are budget-challenged, you might offer to pay for their accomodation (if you can afford it).

Other ideas - suggest that you "all go somewhere together to take advantage of being in Asia" - e.g. beach resort in Phils; tour of China; Phuket - anywhere really where you can all stay in Hotels and pay for your own rooms! That might reduce the squash time down to something livable.

Failing that, I suggest an "urgent business trip" should "suddenly" be necessary right in the middle of the visit, leaving you only enough time to say "hi" when they arrive and "bye" as they leave..... (been there; done that!

)

They're not Asia, but have lived with very little in the past (tiny studio), but they're not familiar with my particular culture/background in which there is NO WAY family would stay together in 400sq/ft. His family stayed with him (3 adults total) in around 300sq/ft for quite awhile while he was a student. They would sleep on the floor, sofa, wherever! AHH!
Can you imagine telling Chinese in-laws to stay in a hotel, though? It is such an insult.

Money is an issue for them, but even though its my partner that is here on a well-paying, I HAVE offered to spend all of my savings to pay for a hotel! It will be very expensive, but it's a small price to pay for some happiness. I've certainly said that I will go away when they want to come, but this made the mom rather angry. I want a chance to build a good relationship with them, so just going away isn't going to help.

I've thought about getting a serviced apartment for a month so they can all just come and go as they need for a whole month. Not sure if this is wise, particularly with regards to the mother who I have little experience with and only extremely bad experience with. (Maybe a month is too long.) And then there is the issue that hotels in the immediate area are indeed pretty darn expensive.... :/

But thank heavens you agree with me about the 400sq/ft thing! It just seems absolutely inconceivable for more than one or two nights!!!

Elegiaque · 22-07-2013, 01:24 PM

I also think a trip with them is too risky... I might end up feeling quit "trapped" if things go badly. But maybe, maybe it's possible... just for a couple of days.

MovingIn07 · 22-07-2013, 01:48 PM

I think a trip where you have a hotel room and they have a hotel room gives you many more "outs" than them living in your place. Anyway - just a suggestion if the worst comes to pass. It does sound like you have a culture issue here (one of your husbands family's culture vs your own!). You have to be true to yourself. You are NOT going to build up a good relationship with these folks if all you are thinking when you are with them is "get them outta here!". You have to be honest about this with your husband first, and then them. Perhaps writing it all down might help. Explain your background. Explain how you already feel claustrophobic in your own home (exaggerate if necessary!) and that more people in it would be really hard for you. Put it in terms that explain "I would feel trapped"; "I would not like it" rather than "you are causing a problem" - so that they understand this is about YOUR feelings not anything about them.

Good luck anyway. I have 2000 sq ft but I still hate having my MIL to stay! Even my own family, when I visit UK, I NEVER stay for more than 3 days. First day is great to see them. Second day is catching up. Third day is planning to leave. Never over-stay - it destroys relationships!

cheepo · 22-07-2013, 02:20 PM

So why do you want to accommodate your mother in law. It's your flat, and it's your husband (you are the wife, right?). If they don't like it, they can go fishing. Tell them your flat is too small and they can't stay there. If they don't want to stay in the hotel, they don't need to come. Period. Be nice to them, but don't forget who is in charge (you!).

Elegiaque · 22-07-2013, 03:08 PM

I'll consider a trip, MovingIn07... they're pretty well-travelled but perhaps they would like going somewhere in Asia, if only for a couple of days. It is cultural issues to a large extent. I have been very honest with him and explained these issues I have (they're my issues, not his family's). He's very bad at communicating these things nicely to them or even being forthright with them, so they take it and run with it and get very upset by it all.

cheepo: I agree... When he reported his dad's complaining when he told him he'd have to stay at a hotel: oh it's too expensive, it'll be too far away, I won't get to see you, I'll have to commute a half an hour, etc. etc. I asked my partner why he didn't reassure him that's not the case, that we would make him as comfortable as possible, that we would get a place very close and that's that.

At the end of the day, too, my partner wouldn't really suffer financially by paying for a hotel and even they know that. They just have different priorities with money, I guess.
They can go fishing, but it doesn't really help build a good relationship between all of us, does it? :/

Elegiaque · 22-07-2013, 03:11 PM

Shall I mention that they are Jewish? Does that explain it?

MovingIn07 · 22-07-2013, 04:15 PM

Originally Posted by Elegiaque:

Shall I mention that they are Jewish? Does that explain it?

I can fully understand that some people would find it easy to accept sleeping on the floor but find it really hard to accept someone else paying for a hotel. Very easy. Not necessarily Jewish, but "money" has as many, if not more, cultural implications than space!

I am also really familiar with the "husband does not explain it very well" syndrome. My husband reverts to boyhood around his relatives and for a reasonably articulate, intelligent chap, becomes completely incapable of managing these things rationally!

I think you will just have to take charge yourself. I found my MIL much easier to deal with once I went straight to her, rather than through the hubby. Rather than blaming hubby for explaining stuff badly, do the explaining yourself!

Re the money aspect, perhaps you can analyse it financially and make the point to your PIL that you undertook an analysis of the cost of a flat with a spare room, vs the option of one with no spare room but "hiring one" (ie a hotel) when needed. Perhaps you can show that financially you are better off with the "hiring a spare room" for 2 weeks compared with renting one for 12 months. That should be pretty easy to show given HK rental costs. That way you might be able to convince them that staying in a hotel at your expense saves you money! (in other words, find a way to have the debate on terms they might understand).

Anyway - good luck. You probably also need to approach them to express how much you are keen to get to know them better and are looking forward to their trip to HK, and how you want it to go really well with no barriers forming a good relationship etc etc. That might also help to oil the wheels. Providing you can seem at least passably genuine in the views!

Elegiaque · 22-07-2013, 04:51 PM

Originally Posted by MovingIn07:

I can fully understand that some people would find it easy to accept sleeping on the floor but find it really hard to accept someone else paying for a hotel. Very easy. Not necessarily Jewish, but "money" has as many, if not more, cultural implications than space!

I am also really familiar with the "husband does not explain it very well" syndrome. My husband reverts to boyhood around his relatives and for a reasonably articulate, intelligent chap, becomes completely incapable of managing these things rationally!

I think you will just have to take charge yourself. I found my MIL much easier to deal with once I went straight to her, rather than through the hubby. Rather than blaming hubby for explaining stuff badly, do the explaining yourself!

Re the money aspect, perhaps you can analyse it financially and make the point to your PIL that you undertook an analysis of the cost of a flat with a spare room, vs the option of one with no spare room but "hiring one" (ie a hotel) when needed. Perhaps you can show that financially you are better off with the "hiring a spare room" for 2 weeks compared with renting one for 12 months. That should be pretty easy to show given HK rental costs. That way you might be able to convince them that staying in a hotel at your expense saves you money! (in other words, find a way to have the debate on terms they might understand).

Anyway - good luck. You probably also need to approach them to express how much you are keen to get to know them better and are looking forward to their trip to HK, and how you want it to go really well with no barriers forming a good relationship etc etc. That might also help to oil the wheels. Providing you can seem at least passably genuine in the views!

Yes, yes! Like when the MIL wanted to cook a big dinner in our apartment for the cousin/brother, I said why not take them out for dinner (didn't want her cooking in our flat)! Let it be our birthday treat to her! No, no, no - too expensive! :P
Yes, I think you're right about dealing with them directly as much as possible. And being stern with them and not letting them think they can ruin our relationship if they want. At the moment this is difficult, but when they do eventually visit, I can explain this to them genuinely in person. I am afraid they won't accept it and still think I'm evil, but I can only do so much if they don't accept my genuine interest in making things work. It's difficult for me, too, and I think if our gender were reversed, shy or quiet behavior (avoidism) would be much more accepted. :/
That is a good idea for explaining it to them about the spare room. I've often wished these large complexes would have a spare room that you could rent out for a few days/weeks. But I will have to explain it to them like that with full awareness that they never wanted a spare bedroom -- and would have been happy on the couch. A friend of mine has couch surfing guests, sometimes 2 at a time, and has a smaller flat than me!
Thanks for your help and encouraging words. I really appreciate it!