Moving to HKG any regrets

rebekah · 20-07-2007, 09:48 AM

you all are scaring me... we move to HK in 5 weeks, leaving Saturday to come on our preview trip and find an apartment. we just got married in april, and i am very excited to move, but all this talk of breaking up marriages... explain WHY it happens, please?

NickN · 20-07-2007, 10:00 AM

Tony: the truth is you need to decide what your priorities really are: your wife, son, career, desire to live overseas, etc... And you need to make your decision according to those priorities.

You also need to assess whether her decision not to come to Hong Kong is a logical, thought-out decision on her part, or if she is just simply afraid. If it's the latter, then certainly some persuasion, coaxing and comprimises would be in order. If not, then you need to choose which is more important to you. Either way, don't try and do a long-distance marriage with you in Hong Kong and her not, that's no marriage at all in my book.

Rebekah: not all marriages break up after moving here. My wife and I moved here from the states and although, it hasn't always been an easy transition, it has strengthened our relationship. And, while we may not want to stay here long-term, we don't regret our decision for one second.

JJexpat · 20-07-2007, 10:19 AM

Tony, faced a slightly different choice when opting to come to HK. My partner is a "let's cross that bridge when..." person but was very supportive and got enthusiastic when we were flown over for my interviews. Our daughter was entering Grade 11 at a school she had been in since kindergaten, and my ex would never have agreed to her coming to Asia with us. The hard part was leaving my daughter--to this day I carry a pain about not being there for important stuff (tho I wouldn't have done it sooner for that reason). She's on with her life, doing fine--it's my stuff ;-)

But...I would say that if your choice is really about separation and there's a child involved, you may need to consider the long term implications of that.

--

Living in Hong Kong is energizing, frustrating, bewildering, fun. It's an adventure in discovering other people and yourself, sharing eperiences people back home don't. It ultimately changes you (as any expat existence probably does) and that can make for even more sense of being disconnected from people not experiencing "difference".

There are many lifestyles to embrace--if you are lucky, there'll be more than one. I have managed the older crowd of people who have been here 20+ years, a local alternative crowd that is more Chinese than gweilo, and then there was the work crowd while still in traditional employ. It's a stratified society and I have found the juxtaposition of these groups fascinating.

Government is patriarchal in ridiculous ways and there are mind boggling idiocies if one steps outside expected procedural norms...on the other hand, work with the system and it is pretty slick (the best being the airport).

Hope you find the right decision - good luck!

PDLM · 20-07-2007, 10:26 AM

Originally Posted by rebekah:

explain WHY it happens, please?

Because white guys discover Asian women. And many of them don't look back. This time of year is party time in particular because many of the wives go back to their home countries with the kids for a few weeks, so the guys can all go out and have a good time without having to worry about getting home smelling of perfume, lipstick stains on the collar, long black hairs on their clothes...

PC_Man · 20-07-2007, 10:47 AM

First part - a large number of marriages thrive here.
Have a lot of friends who have come over and stayed and some who have since returned whose marraiges have stayed solid through out.

Second part - lots of marriages break up at home as well, its more a reflection on the marriage than the place.

However, if a marriage is borderline then by moving out of your comfort zone in other areas (eg location, culture etc) then people also then look at other parts of their life including their relationships.

If they decide they are not happy with their relationship then HK is a very easy place to find new partners (as likely any big city is). Add the effect of exotic-looking women (not better or worse generally, just different) and some marriages won't survive that.

Also gets complicated by some of the issues mentioned earlier for women who don't have jobs of their own - specifically the guy quickly gets colleagues and friends and interests etc that way whereas the building of a social network is slower and harder for a non-working partner. Can make them sometimes seem a bit clingy to the working spouse.

Equally know many relationships that thrived here but failed back in the 'real' world. Couples here do get used to having their own lives once here for awhile and it can be difficult to go back to full on living together and doing most things together again...

rebekah · 20-07-2007, 11:05 AM

Thanks for the replies. keep them coming, im interested to know what everyone thinks. I suppose that we had planned this move long before we were ever married, but the one thing i am concerned about is not having a job/meeting people, which is why i have been somewhat active on this board and plan on becoming more active after the move.

Also, not one to believe in statistics, and obviously think i have a strong marriage, but don't we all? don't plan on taking long trips home without hubby, just once a year together, at least that is the plan. thanks for pointing that idea out!
Rebekah

rebekah · 20-07-2007, 11:06 AM

someone just PM'd me but my popup blocker grabbed it GRRR!
uhh nevermind found it... yeah, im really not an idiot... i promise!

hullexile · 20-07-2007, 11:21 AM

Originally Posted by rebekah:

you all are scaring me... we move to HK in 5 weeks, leaving Saturday to come on our preview trip and find an apartment. we just got married in april, and i am very excited to move, but all this talk of breaking up marriages... explain WHY it happens, please?

Sorry to scare you rebekah but I think I started a valid discussion. I just think if there is a slight fault in the relationship, and especially if the wife is not here as well, then in my opinion there is too much temptation for the average man to resist. I can only base my views on myself and the male colleagues who come out here and succumb to the charms of HK's nightlife.

rebekah · 20-07-2007, 11:28 AM

well, my husband doesn't drink. at. all. i'm the bigger partier of the two of us, and i hardly drink at all. I will be there, and I'm excited about it. so again, hopefully those things help... *fingers crossed* (can't we move toe a beautiful place with ugly locals instead? hehe)

hullexile · 20-07-2007, 11:38 AM

Originally Posted by rebekah:

well, my husband doesn't drink. at. all. i'm the bigger partier of the two of us, and i hardly drink at all. I will be there, and I'm excited about it. so again, hopefully those things help... *fingers crossed* (can't we move toe a beautiful place with ugly locals instead? hehe)

As someone else said many marriages thrive here and I know people who lived here many many years and they were fine - but then they were both here