Are any of you sensitive to allergies? The air and pollution here in horrible!!
Sounds like you are setting your expectations a bit high. For DB, there are presently no cars. If you are looking for a townhouse with 3-4 bedrooms plus helpers room, they run 60-70k per month and up. Not huge but about 1500 sq ft plus. If you want a helper, those are 4k each, you might need two. A golf cart is 10k per month rental. Food is very expensive in DB, some friends of mine with one child spend 10k per month at the supermarket. To give you an idea of costs. Dont forget club fees, tutor fees, transport. Ferry is not cheap, easily HK$75-80 for one person round trip.
Yes you can have a cheaper flat in the boondocks for 25k but why do that? You said you want the lifestyle. You are not getting a lifestyle in Tung Chung or Tuen Mun. Yes those places are OK but DB has a nice flair to it and feels not like Hong Kong. But TM and TC are very HK.
If your husband does come, I would make sure housing is written as a benefit for tax purposes. You save something like 5-7% and negotiate your children's school places first. Your employer can arrange otherwise you might consider whether or not to take this opportunity or not.
For better opinions, we need to know more about your income, budgets, size of apartment expected, etc. Otherwise no one can answer you. There is something here for everyone but each category comes with its own lifestyle.
Good luck and welcome to HK!