Mid Week Humor :rofl3:

[saphireruby]

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[xxxlionxxx]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a price difference for the politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning.

[Claire ex-ax]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet up.

The bear says, "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

The lion says, "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me."

"Big deal!'' says the chicken. "All I have to do is cough, and the entire planet craps itself."

[xxxlionxxx]

Ah mighty chicken...ok try this one.

A truck driver was speeding down a country road when he struck and killed a rooster. He stopped, walked to the adjacent farm, and knocked on the door. A dour-looking woman answered.

“Ma’am,” the contrite driver said, “I would like to replace your rooster.”

“Suit yourself,” she said. “The chicken are out back.”

[KnowItAll]

xxxlionxxx : *groan* ... the was one was bad.

[jimbo]

A couple is driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, The wife gets out and picks it up and takes it to the car. 'Look its shivering, it must be cold,' she says. 'what should I do?'

'put it between your legs to keep it warm,' replies the husband.

'What about the smell?'

'Hold its nose'

[Claire ex-ax]

A woman's husband dies. He had $250,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $250,000 left. The friend says, "How can that be?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $35,000. And, of course, I made a donation to the church. That was $5,000, and I spent another $10,000 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "It was $200,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" The widow says, "Three carats."

[xxxlionxxx]

'Hold its nose'

LOL....cool!

[gunsnroses]

As we were on the topic of chicken, so why not this...
Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN BOY To get to the other side.
PLATO For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
RICHARD M. NIXON The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
BILL GATES The newly released Chicken 2008, will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
DARWIN Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference and relativity.
GEORGE BUSH We are committed to establishing a democracy where chickens freely cross roads without oppression from terrorist organizations.
Azharuddin I am totally innocent, you know, I'm unnecessarily being dragged into this, you know, because I'm from the minority..... I neither know the chicken nor the road, you know....
George Fernandes I am deeply hurt that this question is being asked after my 40 clean years of public life. I don't own a house, or a car, leave alone a chicken !!!
Mulayam I demand a 50% reservation of the road for the chicken class, so that they can cross the road freely without their motives being questioned
ARJUN SINGH Our policy will ensure the development of socially underprivileged chickens so that they can also cross roads.
Abdul Kalam Yes, why did the chickens cross the road? .. please tell me why? .. they crossed to go to the other side of the road... now repeat after me ....
Advani I see Pakistani hand in this ...
Vatal Nagaraj No Tamil or outside chickens will be allowed to cross our roads, our roads are meant only for Kanadiga chickens!.
Bal Thackarey Chickens crossing the roads is against our culture, my followers will stone all such chickens which cross the road.
Jayalalithaa From reliable sources I've got the information that the chicken belongs to Karunanidhi. He is making his chicken cross the road to create law & order problems. The chicken has now been imprisoned under POTA.
Amitabh Bachhan The chicken has crossed the road?.. are you sure.. very sure ... really sure...
Venkaiah Naidu "We are very sure of the fact that the chicken did not cross the road. It's a conspiracy by the congress. The poor chicken has been made a scapegoat in this whole issue"
H.S.Surjeet We are adopting a wait and watch policy. We have convened a meeting of the third front today. We will decide the future course of action after the chicken comes back..
Maneka Gandhi Chicken crossed the road alone...!! If a vehicle had passed over it, we would have lost one of our dearest creatures. Ban all vehicles from using the road. Protect our chickens...

[gunsnroses]

A wife mentioned to her husband that for her birthday, she would like something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in four seconds.
She was expecting something like a Ferrari............
But unfortunately, for her husband, he gifted her a personal weighing machine.