Joke Of The Day

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  1. #1

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    Joke Of The Day

    An Oldie but still funny

    Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

    When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!'

    Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

    Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, 'You Sign! You sign!'

    Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door.

    The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

    When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

    He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'

    Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

    The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

    On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!'

    Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

    This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by neck 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name!

    who do you want to give these to?'

    The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

    >
    > (It's a beauty)
    >
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    >
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    >
    > (Wait for it)
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    > (Get your best Chinese accent ready)
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > 'You not Nissan Main Deala?'


  2. #2

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    An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 RMB. He receives US$290 in return.

    The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 RMB. This time, he receives US$260 in return. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 RMB?"

    The clerk replies, "Fluctuations."

    The Asian man goes, "Oh yeah? Fluck you Amelicans too!"


  3. #3

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    Whilst we're heading down this road:

    For the purposes of a study into national stereotypes, a German, a Frenchman and a Chinaman were shipped to a deserted island and instructed to create a mini-society. The German was made responsible for infrastructure (buildings, roads etc), the Frenchman for social aspects (food, entertainment) and the Chinaman for supplies.

    3 months later, the ship returned to the island to survey the results of their efforts, but were surprised to find the German and the Frenchman sitting idly on the beach.

    "Where are the items you were given responsibility for?" they were asked by the study leader.

    "Je ne c'est pas, " the Frenchman shrugged, "we had not ze provisions to build or cook or to make l'ambiance."

    "What happened to the Chinaman then? He was responsible for the supplies!"

    The German replied: "Ve hef not see him for tree muntz."

    "But this is very concerning! We need to find him!"

    So immediately the group set off into the jungle in search of the missing Chinaman. They searched high and low until suddenly from behind a bush, leapt a very excited Chinaman shouting: "SUPPLIES!!"


  4. #4

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    LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE...

    Ai Bang Mai Ne I bumped into the coffee table
    Ar U Wun Tu A gay liberation greeting
    Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift
    Dum Gai A stupid person
    Gun Pao Der An ancient Chinese invention
    Hu Flung Dung Which one of you fertilized the field?
    Hu Yu Hai Ding We have reason to believe you are harboring a
    fugitive
    Jan Ne Ka Sun A former late night talk show host
    Kum Hia Approach me
    Lao Ze Sho Gilligan's Island
    Lao Zi Not very good
    Lin Ching An illegal execution
    Moon Lan Ding Achievement of the American space program
    Ne Ahn A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
    Shai Gai A bashful person
    Tai Ne Bae Be A premature infant
    Tai Ne Po Ne A small horse
    Ten Ding Ba Serving drinks to people
    Wan Bum Lung A person with T.B.
    Yu Mai Te Tan Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
    Wa Shing Kah Cleaning an automobile
    Wai So Dim Are you trying to save electricity?
    Wai U Shao Ting There is no reason to raise your voice
    Si-Ling Fan A device to keep you cool
    Sum Dum Fuk Irritating drivers


  5. #5

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    84 Ways to Know If You're Chinese

    1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.

    2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off.

    3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.

    4. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.

    5. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.

    6. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.

    7. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time.

    8. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.

    9. You have never used your dishwasher.

    10. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.

    11. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator.

    12. You eat all meals in the kitchen.

    13. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.

    14. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.

    15. You always leave your shoes at the door.

    16. You have a piano in your living room.

    17. Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles.

    18. You iron your own shirts.

    19. You play a musical instrument.

    20. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth).

    21. You twirl your pen around your fingers.

    22. You hate to waste food

    a. Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them.

    b. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.

    23. You don't own any real Tupperware--only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.

    24. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses.

    25. You've eaten a red bean popsicle.

    26. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you visit people's homes.

    27. You have a collection of minature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.

    28. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or go to McDonald's.

    29. Ditto paper napkins.

    30. You never order room service.

    31. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes)...These travel snacks are always dried. As in not just dried plums, dried ginger, and beef/pork jerky, but dried cuttlefish (SQUID).

    32. You own a rice cooker.

    33. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.

    34. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table. (That's why you need the vinyl tablecloth).

    35. Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their guests just brought just to be courteous.

    36. You fight over who pays the dinner bill

    37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.

    38. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law.

    39. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.

    40. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and they prefer it that way). Or if you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighborhood.

    41. You don't use measuring cups.

    42. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.

    43. You beat eggs with chopsticks.

    44. Your parents' house is always cold.

    45. You have a teacup with a cover on it.

    46. You reuse teabags.

    47. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don't write anymore.

    48. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman if you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.

    49. Your mom drives her Mercedes to the Price Club.

    50. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling Information costs 50 cents.

    51. You tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.

    52. You're a wok user.

    53. You only make long distance calls after 11pm.

    54. You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurants.

    55. You like Chinese films in their original undubbed versions

    a. You love Chinese Martial Arts films.

    b. Shao Lin and Wu Tang actually mean something to you.

    56. You have acquired a taste for bittermelon.

    57. You like congee with thousand year old eggs.

    58. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached--it means they're fresh.

    59. You never call your parents just to say hi.

    60. You always cook too much.

    61. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

    62. Also, if you don't live at home, your parents always want you to come home.

    63. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick.

    64. When you're sick, they also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they produce hot air (yeet hay in Cantonese).

    65. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.

    66. Your parents never go to the movies.

    67. Your parents send money to their relatives in China.

    68. You use a face cloth.

    69. Your parents use a clothes line.

    70. You're always late.

    71. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.

    72. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat sushi.

    73. You've joined a CD club at least once.

    74. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics.

    75. You never discuss your love life with your parents.

    76. Your parents are never happy with your grades.

    77. You save your old Coke bottle glasses even though you're never going to use them again.

    78. You keep used batteries.

    79. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.

    80. You keep most of your money in a savings account.

    81. You know what MJ means.

    82. You've been on the Love Boat or know someone who has.

    83. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.

    84. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.


  6. #6

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    God was in the process of creating the universe.
    And he was explaining to his subordinates
    'Look everything should be in balance.
    For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion.
    Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States.
    I have blessed them with prosperity and money.
    But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension....
    And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature.
    But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.
    And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests.
    But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would
    have to cut off the forests...
    So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.
    One of the angels asked...
    'God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?'
    God said....... 'Ahah...that is the crown piece of all. 'INDIA',
    My most precious creation.
    It has understanding and friendly People.
    Sparkling streams and serene mountains.
    A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.
    Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold.....
    The angel was quite surprised:

    'But god you said everything should be in balance.'
    God replied --
    'Look at the neighbors I gave them.'


  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by wtbhotia
    84 Ways to Know If You're Chinese

    3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.


    How true...

  8. #8

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    Sep 2007
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    4,016

    Another oldie...

    An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

    He bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

    On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

    The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
    The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

    The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

    Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

    He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

    She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

    'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

    He then travelled all across America , Africa, England , Japan , New Zealand . In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same $US10,000 per call' sign under it..

    The American decided to travel to Scotland to see if Scots had the same phone.

    He arrived in Scotland and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 pence per call.'

    The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

    'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
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    The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son - it's a local call'.


  9. #9

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    From the chinese list, I have realised with some surprise that I am Chinese .... never realised it before!


  10. #10

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    I may have done this on the last joke thread, but old age ya know.

    Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?

    It was dead.


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