Tuesday - In the kitchen

[Dreadnought]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[Dreadnought]

Husband's note to his wife, posted on the refrigerator:

"Doctor's office called: Said Pabst beer is normal"

[Claire ex-ax]

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

[Dreadnought]

BBC production from the 70's - Ronnie Barker

This was originally shown on BBC TV, back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). The irony is that the BBC received not one complaint. Must have been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read:

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

[Dreadnought]

I’ve checked this on Snopes.com… it must be true!

I don't how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.

[limepickle]

BBC production from the 70's - Ronnie Barker

This was originally shown on BBC TV, back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). The irony is that the BBC received not one complaint. Must have been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read: snip ...

Not the late great Ronnie Barker. Far too crude. He did a version of this gag but it wasn't so vulgar

[Dreadnought]

Not the late great Ronnie Barker. Far too crude. He did a version of this gag but it wasn't so vulgar

Indeed. Not that I would know, but a quick Google search returned Archie Campbell.

[Dreadnought]

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

[Dreadnought]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

[Dreadnought]

The Top 1000 1000 Awesome Things

Some of my favourites... hardly a tenth of the way down!

#995 Finding money you didn’t even know you lost

#953 When cashiers open up new check-out lanes at the grocery store

#951 Hearing a stranger fart in public

#942 Somebody flashing their high beams at you to warn you about the cops

#941 The Universal Fry-Sharing Policy

#930 Finally getting a piece of popcorn that’s been stuck in your teeth all day out

#919 Hitting a bunch of green lights in a row

And to pick up from yesterday's England WC joke...

I met a genie today who granted me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the genie, but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish.
"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when England win the world cup."
"You crafty bastard!" said the genie.