miserable

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  1. #41

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    Quote Originally Posted by RachRobin:
    I said ABOUT 10 months (i.e. 40 weeks is counted as a full term pregnancy).

    Regardless of you splitting hairs, you CAN FLY up to 36 weeks. I am trying to offer useful advice to this poor person, not dumb sarcasm.
    It was not intended to be dumb sarcasm and I too was trying to offer advice. 8.5 months pregnant is not 34 weeks it is 37 weeks and so beyond the point of flying. Unless I have got something completely wrong here so I am willing to be corrected. 52 weeks in a year, 39 weeks in 9 months, so 37 weeks in 8.5 months? My wife always flies back to the Philippines to have babies so I have gone through this

  2. #42

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    Post deleted

    Last edited by reneyvl; 22-06-2008 at 12:13 PM.

  3. #43

    Join Date
    Feb 2006
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    Going by your chosen nick, you already know in your heart where you want this to go. It’s just a matter of when and how.

    Your best, if not only hope is that when your child is born your husband will undergo some kind of sea change and you’ll be reconciled.

    Frankly, going by your account, that isn’t going to happen, at least not sufficiently for life to be bearable for you.

    It saddens me when western women, regardless of their ethnicity, are urged to give up their values to meet the cultural expectations of a husband.

    You’re an Australian – that’s something you shouldn’t give up, or even wish to.

    (Please overlook earlier WUM comments of mine re Australians.)


  4. #44

    Thanks everyone for your advice....and all the diff points of view offered...they've been really helpful both in terms of making me less emotional so that I can think things through objectively and also the options open to me.

    Over the weekend I stayed with a colleague and we talked alot, I called him and obviously he didnt like it that I didnt go home but I told him that his behaviour is really stressing me out and with my intensified emotions, i just cant handle it right now. LIke many of you had adivsed, I stayed calm and reasonable when I talked to him and didnt start the conversation feeling sorry for myself, I made it clear that this was not a conversation intended to brainwash him into thinking he was at fault, but rather my attempt at finding out whether we can still cont. be together in the future.

    Alot of the things he said was similar to what lakai had mentioned in his post.... one thing positve was that somewhere during the conservation we admitted that this was all new to us and may have to take some time to work out our emotions and stress and deal with it more responsibly. He said that when I am emotional I become irrational and that stresses him out...

    He also suggested that I start my maternity leave earlier so that I can rest more at home, maybe with more sleep I will feel better...

    I dont know, every time he's calm he makes me feel that Ive been immature...but women are more emotional than men and esp so when they're pregant....I need to know that at times when Im emotional, I will be still be supported and understood...
    Is that really too much to ask for?...I dont want to get emontional, but I cant help it, he asks me to control it, im not sure if that's possible...


  5. #45

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    Before I start, I am not taking his side or belittling your suffering.

    Its stereotyping, but true, that men and women are like different species. Us men are very simple creatures relative to women and the differences make it hard to understand each other at times. If you add into that (i) cultural differences, (ii) many men are 'emotionally challenged', (iii) the newness of your relationship and (iv) your pregnancy then only a very strong optimist would expect things to go smoothly. So fights and misunderstandings are very much normal and to be expected. I have been through all of these (except hopefully (ii) is minimal as I have got older and wiser) but obviously from a man's perspective. It may not be that he is an uncaring bastard, it may be that he genuinely does not understand what is happening and why. Only you can know if the relationship is worth fighting for or if you feel he (and you) can change sufficiently to make it work in the long term.

    On what araucaria said - no one (male, female, western, asian) should have to give up their values but in any relationship there needs to be compromise - and working that out can take a lot of time, effort and pain. Again only you know if you think it is worth it, and perhaps as others have suggested it would be best to talk that through with a professional and not amateurs like me.


  6. #46

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    Jun 2008
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    4
    Quote Originally Posted by setmefree:
    Thanks everyone for your advice....and all the diff points of view offered...they've been really helpful both in terms of making me less emotional so that I can think things through objectively and also the options open to me.

    Over the weekend I stayed with a colleague and we talked alot, I called him and obviously he didnt like it that I didnt go home but I told him that his behaviour is really stressing me out and with my intensified emotions, i just cant handle it right now. LIke many of you had adivsed, I stayed calm and reasonable when I talked to him and didnt start the conversation feeling sorry for myself, I made it clear that this was not a conversation intended to brainwash him into thinking he was at fault, but rather my attempt at finding out whether we can still cont. be together in the future.

    Alot of the things he said was similar to what lakai had mentioned in his post.... one thing positve was that somewhere during the conservation we admitted that this was all new to us and may have to take some time to work out our emotions and stress and deal with it more responsibly. He said that when I am emotional I become irrational and that stresses him out...

    He also suggested that I start my maternity leave earlier so that I can rest more at home, maybe with more sleep I will feel better...

    I dont know, every time he's calm he makes me feel that Ive been immature...but women are more emotional than men and esp so when they're pregant....I need to know that at times when Im emotional, I will be still be supported and understood...
    Is that really too much to ask for?...I dont want to get emontional, but I cant help it, he asks me to control it, im not sure if that's possible...
    I think he's really trying to do the best he can at the moment. I think he has put in a great deal of effort to make the relationship work. Try to understand that he might be under a lot of pressure already. It's understood that you might be emotional, but I think the problem is when you become irrational that bothers him. I'm sure that he wants to be there to support you emotionally, but it might be easier for him to do if he didn't feel as if you were demanding him to. It might be that you are "telling" him what you want rather than "asking" him. Maybe he wants to feel that you "need" him. Ultimately there needs to be a agreement on which roles you both plan in the relationship and there needs to be trust that whatever decision is made is for unselfish reasons.

    If you want there to be a compromise, I'm sure he would not have a problem changing something about him that you do not like provided that you change something about you that he doesn't like.
    In other words, its got to be something that is worth it to him to want to compromise.

    Even though he is much older than you, I think he might be just as immature as you might be when it comes to this marriage and parenthood thing. Your relationship will be much better when the both of you are able to get past this. Your relationship will grow stronger every time you guys face a challenge together.

  7. #47

    hello setmefree,

    i am new here in hong kong, 3 weeks to be exact, and i am exploring ways to find friends. you stated that you are a chinese but grew in australia since childhood, me on the otherhand, a filipina, and glad that there will be no language barrier for us. i want to be your friend if you still looking for one. i am glad to meet you, but to let you know i am in tung chung area. hope you are just close from where i am. is that ok?


  8. #48

    love yourself first my friend

    hi setmefree,

    i am a filipina, also newly wed and married to a husband much older than i am. we are both new here in hong kong. and i experienced some difficult adjustments during our early stage in marriage. i would say a tough ride to take but i pray hard for it. and pls do not loss your spirit, make an effort to keep it stable and up. it is not good for a pregnant woman who is depress and sad most of the times. force yourself to think positive and happy, that's what i did. during difficult times, i really tried and forced myself to be happy and keep my self-esteem in tact. i tried not to think about him or the problem (i am not saying that i am escaping from it) instead i think of things or memories that will make me smile. or go to the mall, festive places will generate positive energies that will vibrate onto you. if you need friend, i'll be glad to be your new friend. pls take care always and pray, this will keep you going. i also no relatives here and no friends as we are a new comers here in hong kong. til then my friend, be happy, ok? big hugs. may your angels guard and protect you.


  9. #49

    Join Date
    Feb 2006
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    I know you have the best of intentions, but that’s a most depressing post. How come you need to struggle so hard to cope with your married life? Is this what awaits Setmefree?


  10. #50

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    Actually I thought she was saying that life can be tough at times but if you are positive you get through it, one way or another. Very good advice.


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