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Wife & helper dynamic

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  1. #11

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    Quote Originally Posted by hongkong7:
    Cabin fever : everyone stressed out : youre in the middle so both sides must trust you : good luck : personally I would just try to lower the temp all round if I could :
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  2. #12

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    I read (data anyone?) that most DH have been infected by their employers, not DH infecting their employers.

    As I understand it, the government only issued an advisory, which has been interpreted as law by many employers, maybe not the OP but many DH end up working on their day off. I guess the biggest risk is not outdoors but inside enclosed spaces, just like the family clusters, that we have sadly seen so many times, so going to the boarding house is the same risk as staying in the home. there is no good solution, but outdoors is lower risk than indoors i would say.

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  3. #13

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    Quote Originally Posted by JAherbert:
    I read (data anyone?) that most DH have been infected by their employers, not DH infecting their employers.

    As I understand it, the government only issued an advisory, which has been interpreted as law by many employers, maybe not the OP but many DH end up working on their day off. I guess the biggest risk is not outdoors but inside enclosed spaces, just like the family clusters, that we have sadly seen so many times, so going to the boarding house is the same risk as staying in the home. there is no good solution, but outdoors is lower risk than indoors i would say.
    Staying at the employers home would be safer I think IF (very big) the employers did not go out and there were no visitors.
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  4. #14

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eva C:

    It is not easy on husband, wife or helper having 2 women in a household.

    then your wife - when she checks your phone and finds them (and she will) - will draw her own conclusions

    After you survive that argument, you can then discuss with your wife how best to proceed in your communications with your helper.
    Have I just timewarped beack to the 50s?

    The opening and closing lines were all well and good, but then you regress into some truly sexist statements that read like a script for Peyton Place and call into question anything you have said.

    OP, do not allow yourself to be dragged into secret communications. Assuming both you and your partner are equally involved in the day to day running of the household, you need to discuss the texts with her and also agree to not make decisions around outsiders coming into the house without first discussing between you both. Then the 3 of you could sit down and make it clear that divide and conquer strategies from your employee are unacceptable, but that you understand her situation is very isolating.

    I have never employed cheap foreign labour, but imagine if I did I could not attempt to restrict the free movement of an adult. Perhaps place her on non-contact duties with mask-wearing all the time out of her room if you are concerned.

  5. #15

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    Quote Originally Posted by hullexile:
    Staying at the employers home would be safer I think IF (very big) the employers did not go out and there were no visitors.
    the early cases were caused when the employers going out to dinner, then bring the virus home, hopefully that does not happen too often now.

    it is a double standard, sending DH's out to supermarkets/markets but then preventing from a holiday, agreed it would be better if everyone stayed at home to avoid crowded public transport, the MTR is still packed here during the working days.

  6. #16

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    Quote Originally Posted by kimwy66:
    Have I just timewarped beack to the 50s?

    The opening and closing lines were all well and good, but then you regress into some truly sexist statements that read like a script for Peyton Place and call into question anything you have said.

    OP, do not allow yourself to be dragged into secret communications. Assuming both you and your partner are equally involved in the day to day running of the household, you need to discuss the texts with her and also agree to not make decisions around outsiders coming into the house without first discussing between you both. Then the 3 of you could sit down and make it clear that divide and conquer strategies from your employee are unacceptable, but that you understand her situation is very isolating.

    I have never employed cheap foreign labour, but imagine if I did I could not attempt to restrict the free movement of an adult. Perhaps place her on non-contact duties with mask-wearing all the time out of her room if you are concerned.
    You mentioned Peyton place but the opening theme for ' days of our lives ' popped into my head : that show was more popular in '70s Oz

  7. #17

    This is why I don't have a FDW. apart from the fact that I largely live alone, it saves money to do my chores myself.


  8. #18

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    Quote Originally Posted by c1000:
    We've employed our helper for a few years. She has her faults, but we've renewed her since she's good at housework and our kids are used to her.

    Recently we've been concerned about the coronavirus outbreak and asked her to be careful on Sundays. She told us that she meets friends at a boarding house. I think she meant to suggest that she isn't hanging around Central, but a bunch of people confined in a small space sounds even worse. Last week, my wife mentioned that the Philippine Consulate is advising domestic helpers to stay home on their day off and asked her to consider resting at home. She did and we gave her some extra money as a gesture.

    The other day, I learned that my kid's piano teacher had come over after a hiatus since the outbreak started. Had a small argument with the wife about the wisdom of resuming lessons and why it hadn't been discussed. Late at night, the helper sent me a string of dramatic text messages, on one hand complaining that my wife didn't allow her out (not quite true), but also saying she was worried the kids might get the virus from the piano teacher's visit (why only the kids?). What do you think her angle is with this side communication? Does she think I'm going to keep it from my wife?
    The real question is why would she message you directly and complain about your wife?

  9. #19

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    Quote Originally Posted by Coolface:
    The real question is why would she message you directly and complain about your wife?
    I'd be asking myself this as well.

    It also sounds like the employer/employee relationship has been blurred. The employers need to treat the DH the same way such that the DH doesn't consider talking to one individually like this. At the end of the day the DH isn't a family member or an equal, but an employee.

    Yes there's a double standard with the piano lessons, which should be addressed, but in private with your wife. The DH should not be involved in such discussions. She's raised her concerns, which is already a stretch, and that's as far as her involvement should be. In a lot of families, the DH's opinion isn't even welcome so to a lot of people she's already crossed a line.

    Beyond this issue you should reconsider your communication with your DH. You can't afford your DH to be playing favourites between you and your wife because there's always the risk of manipulation or causing a rift in your marriage. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened. Before anyone has a go at me for saying this, let me say it a different way - if you had 2 bosses at work, one treating you better/differently than the other, wouldn't you prefer to talk to the easier one? Of course you would.

  10. #20

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    Quote Originally Posted by gch555:
    I'd be asking myself this as well.

    It also sounds like the employer/employee relationship has been blurred. The employers need to treat the DH the same way such that the DH doesn't consider talking to one individually like this. At the end of the day the DH isn't a family member or an equal, but an employee.

    Yes there's a double standard with the piano lessons, which should be addressed, but in private with your wife. The DH should not be involved in such discussions. She's raised her concerns, which is already a stretch, and that's as far as her involvement should be. In a lot of families, the DH's opinion isn't even welcome so to a lot of people she's already crossed a line.

    Beyond this issue you should reconsider your communication with your DH. You can't afford your DH to be playing favourites between you and your wife because there's always the risk of manipulation or causing a rift in your marriage. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened. Before anyone has a go at me for saying this, let me say it a different way - if you had 2 bosses at work, one treating you better/differently than the other, wouldn't you prefer to talk to the easier one? Of course you would.
    Why shouldn't the helper be able to express an opinion? Poor management if an employee is not allowed to do that.
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